Dependency
by Write-Love-Ship
Summary: After eight years, can an addiction be broken? Can a life be redeemed? Jeff lives at the mercy of his addiction, living each day with a desire for a sober lifestyle. This silent desire only receives a louder voice after a one night stand with a hard working literary magazine writer, persistent on breaking Jeff's dependency.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

It starts optimistic: _Just one pill._ Then self control begins to loose its grip: _Just one more… Only one_. Then things slip out of control. It becomes _seven, ten, fifteen, twenty pills._ Self control has been replaced by guilt and a screaming voice forcing another pill down to join the others.

If anyone knows this feeling, it's Jeff Sterling. If he doesn't get his fix of pills everyday, that screaming voice will not leave him alone. All it does is scrape at the walls of his body and mind. The only way to quiet it down is to swallow another pill, which only feeds the addiction. The addiction comes back angrier and needy for more. Which sends Jeff into a down spiral. It's a vicious cycle. The only way to escape the itching urge is to go out to a club and lose himself in numerous drinks and a barely remembered one night stand. But then the cycle starts again the next morning. Jeff thought there was no way for him to escape. And there wasn't, at least, not on his own.

Growing up in the Sterling household, nothing came easily. Jeff was always on the search for acceptance. No one at home paid attention to him; everyone loved Jeff's older brother. He was the perfect child. Jeff was cast out from the family the more he differed from his brother. The breaking point was when Jeff came out when he was fourteen.

It was the breaking point for Jeff's right arm and three of his ribs.

Looking back, this might have been the starting event that led to the emotional down spiral of Jeff's life. It started Jeff's addiction to painkillers. It started his self hatred and lack of self respect. And to think, if they met earlier, maybe Jeff would have been spared. But then again, if Jeff hadn't chosen this path, they might not have met at all.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

New York is a big place. There's uptown, downtown, Times Square, Union Station, numerous streets and avenues, but all you have to worry about right now is 9th street. Our story would cease to happen if it wasn't for 9th street and its popular warehouse down on the corner.

* * *

The alarm clock next to Jeff beeped loudly and woke him from his slumber. The repetitive unfamiliar beeping seemed to get louder and louder, screaming in Jeff's head. His hang-over from the night before was pounding its fists against the inside of his temples. Jeff opened his eyes a crack and quickly closed them as the sunlight streaming from a window nearly blinded him. Where was he? His apartment didn't have any windows without shades. He buried his head in the lavender scented pillow and tried to remember where he was. He was sitting at the bar counter, drinking some form of hard liquor. Some guy came up to him… He was talking about… _Something_. Jeff was having a hard time remembering with that god forsaking _beeping_ next to him. He didn't even have an alarm clock. Who did he sleep with this time? Jeff's arm swung out and slammed onto the alarm clock, silencing it, finally.

"Oh good, you are up." Someone said, making Jeff curse into his pillow. He hates when he doesn't get up before the other person. It so awkward when they give the whole 'I can't wait to see you again' speech, and Jeff plans on doing nothing of the sort.

"Hello Jonathon." Jeff mumbled, the man's name coming back to him as soon as he laid eyes on the man lying next to him. "What time is it?" Jeff grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"It's only nine in the morning." Jonathon replied sweetly, moving closer to Jeff and wrapping his arm around him.

"Exactly. I have to go." Jeff responded roughly, trying to slip out of his embrace.

"Why? Stay a bit longer. Please." Jonathon whined, giving Jeff the seductive pleading eyes.

"No. I don't 'stay a bit longer'. I have to go." Jeff said again, pushing Jonathon away. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, searching for his clothes. They were scattered everywhere.

"When will I see you again?" Jonathon asked, sitting up in bed. The sheet fell down and pooled around his hips, revealing his washboard abs.

"You won't." Jeff said, pulling his black polo over his head. "Not that I didn't _love_ spending the night with you and your six friends." Jeff said, referring to the man's abs. "But, I don't do second dates."

"Why not?" Jonathon whined, pouting. His lower lip stuck out just a little and Jeff had to focus on rearranging his wristbands or he might have gone back on his word. This man was going to be hard to ignore. Jeff could tell already. He knew the type. He's seen every type of one night stand. Maybe too many.

There are times when Jeff regrets that first time he slept with someone, when he was fourteen. He regrets feeling so rebellious that he threw all caution to the wind. He sometimes wishes he could have seen how that would have led to his father beating the absolute _shit_ out of him. But, then Jeff remembers that it was those things that led to this moment in time and Jeff takes it all back.

He liked his lifestyle. I mean, he didn't brag about it, but he got by. He didn't have to be swimming in good fortune. He had an apartment, food, money, sex, drugs. Everything a guy could want. And he wasn't really trying. The only time he contributed any effort was at night when he had an overly attractive man falling apart beneath him. Other than that, he basically was on the sidelines, watching life come and go. It didn't bother him. At least not too much. Something in Jeff felt like there was something other than sex and drugs. But the look Jonathon was giving him was making that part of Jeff dead silent.

"I'm sorry Jonathon... I have somewhere I have to be." Jeff lied, tightening his belt.

"Are you sure? I don't have work until five." Jonathon suggested, patting the spot next to him. Jeff stared at the man for a minute and felt his fingers start to undo his belt again.

"I said I don't do second dates." Jeff answered. "But second rounds are fine with me."

* * *

Jeff finally left Jonathon's apartment around two in the afternoon. Jeff considered it a day well spent. Not only did he have _amazing_ sex, Jonathon gave him more pills. Jonathon apparently knew Jeff's dealer, so Jeff didn't have to go out later that night. He was free for the rest of the day. He had to figure out where he wanted to go. Jeff never spent a night indoors. That was always out of the question.

Jeff dug around in his pocket for his apartment keys as he climbed the stairs. He reached the third floor and walked down to the sixth room. The door got jammed, per usual, and Jeff had to use his shoulder to open it.

His apartment was just how he left it. The bed still wasn't made from two nights ago and the curtains were closed over so there was barely any sunlight in the entire house. The kitchen was unused and dusty. And the foyer right in front of the door had many shoes scuff marks from when he and his date that night would stumble into his apartment. It was perfect. He threw his keys onto the kitchen counter and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.

"Sebastian, I need a party for tonight." He said as the phone picked up. He was never one for preambles.

"Well, you are in luck." Sebastian laughed from the other end.

Sebastian was Jeff's go to guy for anything. He needed money, he went to Sebastian. He needed a party to attend, he went to Sebastian. He needed the phone number of a random guy late at night, he went to Sebastian. Needed sex late at night, he went to Sebastian. There was nothing Sebastian couldn't do for Jeff. Except give him pills. Sebastian didn't deal.

That was another guy.

"What did you have in mind?" Jeff asked, sitting on his couch.

"There's going to be a rave down on 9th street in that warehouse. It's nothing too sketchy, just a lot of people." Sebastian replied. Jeff could hear his smirk through the phone.

"Excellent. I'll be there." Jeff smiled.

"Jeff, if you don't get a date tonight, want to meet at my place?" Sebastian asked quickly before Jeff ended the conversation.

"Please, Sebastian, I _will _get a date." Jeff laughed. "But, if there is _no one good._ You will have me all night." He promised, clarifying the circumstances.

"I look forward to it." Sebastian chuckled, hanging up.

* * *

Nick's hand was cramping as he tried to scrawl all the thoughts in his head down on a piece of paper as his mind ran one hundred miles a minute. All his ideas for the next issues were morphing together and making this long and almost confusing paragraph. But, that's usually how Nick left notes for himself at work. He always had to be alert and focused to read them. And working overtime for the fourth night in a row wasn't helping him form proper sentences.

"Knock knock?" Blaine's voice startled Nick and made him look up from his desk quickly, his neck cracking from being bent down.

"Oh, hey Blaine. I didn't know you were still here." Nick said, going back to his writing.

"Okay, how are you still _alive_?" He laughed, putting his briefcase down on one of the chairs that sat in front of Nick's desk. "You've been in here since five this morning."

"I've been working." Nick replied stiffly, still scribbling.

"For twenty hours straight. Nick, that's _ridiculous_!" Blaine exclaimed, laughing. "You need to stop."

"Blaine, let me finish this. Please?" Nick wasn't really asking, he was telling. Blaine just sighed and marched over, grabbing his hands.

"I think it can wait until morning." He told him. Nick raised his head and stared at his friend, hating his stubbornness.

"Fine." Nick sighed, throwing the pen down. "I'll stop working."

"Thank you." Blaine sighed, folding Nick's piece of paper up and tucking it in the inside of Nick's blazer. Blaine was lucky Nick was still his friend from high school; anyone who disturbs Nick when he works is likely to be killed.

"Now, is there a reason you made me stop working, Mr. Anderson?" Nick addressed Blaine by his last name, not only for bitter effect, but because Blaine was actually a position ahead of him and was supposed to be addressed by his last name.

"We were invited to a little rave on 9th street." Blaine grinned. "Kurt said it's going to be _packed_ with people."

"And how does he know this?" Nick asked, rubbing his eyes that were unfocused from staring at that paper for so long.

"Kurt knows a guy." Blaine winked at him, turning and grabbing his briefcase. "Now, are you coming or not?"

"Fine. I'll go. But, I'm not going home with anybody. You know how I am, Blaine." Nick retorted. "Don't try to set me up."

"Believe me, I know _all_ about your strange diversion to fun." Blaine teased.

Nick never liked parties or drinking, or sex in general, really. He was more of a 'spend the night at home working' type of guy than a 'constantly on a bender' guy. Nick's father was always drunk, so he promised himself that he would never be the same. Though, Nick has gone a bit over the deep end with it. Not that _he_ noticed. Everyone else did though, hence Blaine's constant attempts to have him come to his boyfriend's raves and parties. Nick could usually avoid them by saying he had more work to do or things he had to finish at home. Nick just _hated_ new people, especially the ones that would get drunk at parties. They always reminded Nick of himself. It reminded him of the way he worked endlessly to avoid problems, much like how those people would drink until they blacked out.

Nick had no way out of this one. He would just have to rough it out. Everyone would be too drunk to see him anyway. Maybe he could hide in the corner or something. He did that last time and only one guy came up to him. Nick could handle that. He could push his urges down for another night. He'd been doing it for five years. What's another day, right? Besides, was there even a ceiling for how much you could compress your feelings? Nick didn't think so.

Well, as smart as Nick was, he didn't know everything and would soon be proven wrong on his theory about metaphoric ceilings. Everything had a ceiling. Emotions, stress, addiction, and relationships all had ceilings. They all had certain lines that were never crossed without some form of rebellion or life change. In Nick's case, it was both. He broke through the ceiling, and the cage, he was keeping himself in.

And it starts on 9th street.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

Nick followed Blaine into a dimly lit warehouse that was absolutely overflowing with drunken dancing people. The entrance to the building was slightly less crowded and allowed Nick to adjust without being overwhelmed. Blaine looked around before waving at someone to get their attention. Even over the loud music, Nick could hear them.

"BLAINE!" Someone squealed, obviously excited to see him. Nick stepped out from behind his friend and saw a young brunet with beautifully sculpted hair and bright blue eyes. He had on leather pants, so tight they looked like they were painted on, and a button up shirt that was only half buttoned.

"Kurt!" Blaine returned his boyfriend's name in the same excited squeal. They embraced and Kurt cupped Blaine's slightly unshaved cheeks as he kissed him quickly.

"I'm so glad you could make it tonight. And with Nick!" Kurt noticed Nick's awkwardness more than he noticed the actual human being. He was just standing in the doorway looking around uncomfortably and feeling out of place as a couple had sex against a wall. Nick was glad when Kurt addressed him and made him feel like he wasn't just _there_, but like he actually had purpose. "Why don't you two go get something to drink, I'll be there in just a moment, okay?" Kurt touched Nick's back as he passed and went towards another corner of the large warehouse.

"See? This isn't so bad." Blaine laughed, making his way through the crowd. Nick restrained the harsh and rude remark that was forming behind his lips and just nodded with a smile.

"This is great." Nick replied, grinning so much his cheeks hurt.

* * *

Blaine had gotten his drink first and left Nick at the bar so he could go find his boyfriend. Nick made eye contact with no one as he tapped his fingers against the counter. The constant motion in his already cramped hand was making the pain almost unbearable, but at least now he had something to focus on.

"Hey new kid." Someone laughed, coming up behind him. Nick turned his head casually, trying not to seem alarmed, and faced his addressor. He was a tall, thin, in shape blond. He had a tight fitting black V neck tee shirt and jeans that were just about glued on as a second skin. His waist supported a black belt with a matte silver buckle and his wrists had wristbands that were piled up half way on his forearm. Nick focused on the man's appearance, like the small frayed rip by the right pocket, to keep from making eye contact with the man.

"Hi." Nick replied, watching the way the man traced the collar of his shirt with his long thin fingers. There was a small tear on the collar on the left side, just below the collar bone.

"Hi? That's all I get?" The man asked, a smirk reflected in his voice. "You _are_ a new kid." At this, Nick looked up and met the man's eyes. They were a warm dark brown that were brought out by the subtle amount of eyeliner the man had on. His face was pale and unblemished, each feature acting as a spectacle, only making it harder to look away.

"Sorry… Umm. Hi, I'm Nick." Nick smiled, the corners of his mouth shaking as he tried to maintain a steady expression.

"Jeff." The man answered as he sat down. Jeff simply nodded at the bar tender and was handed a drink.

"So, how are you?" Nick asked, trying not to seem awkward. Even though with the question, he failed terribly.

"I'm great." Jeff chuckled, laughing at Nick's question. "How are you?" He returned the question in way of mockery. But Nick answered anyway.

"Actually, I'm uncomfortable. This isn't really my scene." Nick replied, looking down at his hands again.

"Oh, that's a shame." Jeff laughed. "There are some people pretty anxious to finally meet you."

"What?" Nick laughed, not believing this man for one second.

"Kurt has been talking you up for _ages_." Jeff sighed, leaning his elbow on the counter. "So glad you could actually stop by. Join the fun."

"Yeah, because I'm having _so_ much fun." Nick laughed, rolling his eyes.

"You just aren't talking to the right people." Jeff replied, leaning closer on the counter. His eyes were glistening with something Nick couldn't recognize. Other than that, Nick could see the smirk on Jeff's face. He was being playful, and it was working.

"Oh, and you're the right person?" Nick teased, feeling his heart flutter for actually talking to someone at a _bar_. He was going into uncharted waters, and all the excitement was making him thirsty. Nick tipped back another drink as he continued his conversation with Jeff.

"So, what do you do?" Nick asked, pressing his eyes closed as the lights suddenly began burning his eyes and the room began to spin.

"What _don't_ I do?" Jeff laughed, leaning back in his chair. Even though Jeff seemingly meant it as a boastful remark, Nick saw something pitiful flash across Jeff's perfect face. Like he resented the truth.

"Do you have a girlfriend or something?" Nick asked, leaning on the counter lazily. His body weight was suddenly too much for him.

"Or something…" This seemed to be the right question. Jeff sighed and took a sip from his glass slowly. "I haven't had a steady boyfriend in _years_."

Nick's mouth opened and closed blankly, like a fish out of water, as he tried to think of something to say to the suddenly somber drunk next to him.

"But, who needs boyfriends? I have all the guilt free sex I want! What else am I supposed to want?" Jeff raised his glass in a fake toast and shot it back quickly.

"Guilt free sex?" Nick echoed drunkenly.

"All that I could ever want." Jeff finished, finally looking over at him again. Their eyes met and almost refused to break apart. Nick could feel Jeff's eyes take him in. The pounding music and flashing lights around them seemed to disappear as Jeff inched closer. His arm draped over Nick's shoulder and his hand played with the hair on the nape of his neck. Nick could feel the excitement coiling in his stomach and tingling up his spine. It was all that Nick could focus on. Jeff touching his hair. Jeff watching him. Jeff's warm breath against his ear as he leaned closer...

"Why don't you and I get out of here?" Jeff suggested, his lips ghostly tracing the shell of Nick's ear. "My apartment isn't very far from here."

"I-I… I don't know." Nick felt his sober subconscious come to the surface and try to keep him from following this boy home. "Are you sure?"

"Come on. It'll be fun." Jeff coaxed, obviously playing up Nick's innocence and toning down the sexual advances and assuring him things will be 'fun'.

Nick let Jeff pull him through the crowd and out the door into the busy city streets. Jeff grabbed the front of Nick's shirt and used it to tug him along the sidewalk. All the while Nick was stumbling after him; his blood-alcohol level much higher than anything he was used to.

Once they reached Jeff's apartment, Nick was pushed through the door way. Nick regained his footing and looked around the dimly lit and dark apartment, trying to get his bearings. He turned around as the door was closed so loudly, it almost scared him. Jeff grabbed him by the shoulders and practically threw him against the door. Nick's drunken state was making things difficult to process and make sense of.

Nick tried to focus and concentrate on the hands that were tugging on his jeans and the lips that were biting the side of his neck. No matter how hard he was trying, his mind would be sidetracked by the warmth that was coiling in the pit of his stomach. It was so unfamiliar and unknown, Nick couldn't help but want more. Want more touch, more pressure, just more_ Jeff._

Jeff's hands were frantic as they tugged, pulled, and eventually unbuttoned Nick's pants. Nick tried to regain control on the situation once Jeff began slipping his hand down the front of Nick's boxers. His back arched against the door and his breath caught in his throat.

"W-Wait… I don't know if we should do this." Nick breathed, grabbing Jeff's back. His fingers scraped desperately at Jeff's shirt as he tried to grip his shoulders. Jeff silenced his cry of both pleasure and uncertainty with a heavy kiss. Nick felt the excitement shoot up his spine as Jeff's tongue broke through Nick's lips and mapped out his mouth, tracing his teeth. He moaned and dug his finger nails into Jeff's back harder. The heel of Jeff's palm pressed against Nick and began making him pant.

"Still don't want to do this?" Jeff teased, kissing his jaw. The excitement coiling in Nick's stomach had begun to twist up and reach its tipping point, its ceiling. He couldn't hold back much longer….

"Shut up and fuck me." Nick growled suddenly, grabbing fistfuls of Jeff's hair and pulling him closer for another kiss.

"Now that, I can do." Jeff laughed, yanking Nick away from the door and pushing him down the hall to a bedroom.

Nick fell back onto the mattress ungracefully and let his legs hang over either side as Jeff climbed over him, his eyes dark and hungry with lust.

* * *

Nick awoke in a dark room, completely unfamiliar to him. There was a body laying next to him, the head resting on his shoulder. Nick sat up nervously and lifted the sheets. He, and the person next to him, were naked. Nick bit his lip as he tried to recalled what he had done, or _who_.

"Think Nick… _Think_!" He panicked, whispering in the silence. "What did you do?"

"_Jeff! Oh god… Oh god… M-More! Yes!" Nick was screaming, his back slamming against the wall, shaking a picture frame hanging next to him._

"_Look at you… Begging for it. Like a little whore."_

Nick shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the sudden vision. What had he been doing? He hadn't… with this guy, _Jeff..._ Suddenly everything came back to Nick, the gasping, the pounding, the moaning, the screaming. Nick felt his eyes widen as he realized what he had done. He wasn't a one night stand type of guy! What was he thinking? Blaine was going to catch hell for this later. _Why_ did he go to that damn rave?

Nick slipped out of bed skillfully, without waking the man, whom he remembered was named Jeff. He searched the dim room blindly for his clothes. He followed the trail and found all his articles of clothing and dressed quickly and quietly. He had to leave. What had he been thinking? The sooner he left, the sooner he could put it behind him. Nick promised himself that once that door was closed behind him, it never happened. He never kissed Jeff. He never held Jeff. He never had the feeling of Jeff pounding him against the wall and then bending him over the bed. It never happened. None of it.

As Nick was about to walk out of the apartment, he found himself hesitating before he shut the door.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

Jeff finally awoke to a silent and empty apartment. He stretched his arms up to the headboard and let them flop over to the other side of the bed where he expected another body. But Nick wasn't in bed.

"Nick?" Jeff said, sitting up. "Nick, are you here?" There was only silence throughout the house. He really was gone. Jeff had unsettling feeling as he realized that he would never see him again. Because that's how things went.

Something about last night made Jeff smile. Not smirk or grin devilishly. _Smile_. It was like Jeff had been with a lover and not someone he had met an hour before hand. The way Nick held himself against Jeff as he was panting and coming apart, it was like Nick depended on him. It was like he trusted Jeff to push and help him through it.

No one had ever treated Jeff like that before. No one had ever _trusted_ him like that before. It almost made Jeff regret calling Nick all those dirty names. _Almost_.

Jeff swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood. He took a cigarette off his dresser and lit it as he pulled a pair of boxers over himself. The smoke circled his face as he looked in the mirror. He ran his fingers over the bite marks on the base of his neck. He didn't remember getting those. Jeff was impressed; Nick seemed so innocent. Yet, he was so eager and passionate. Jeff realized that he was probably the only action that Nick had gotten in a long time.

And he was happy to oblige.

"Jeff?" Someone called into the house. Jeff's heart jumped at the thought of it being Nick. Jeff poked his head out from his bedroom and saw Sebastian walking towards his bedroom, his spare key hanging off his index finger.

"Sebastian, what are you doing here?" Jeff asked, taking another drag on his cigarette before putting it out. Jeff rarely smoked because he absolutely _hated _the smell it left behind. He tried to avoid smoking in his apartment to keep his house smelling like a _house_ and not like an ash tray. Jeff only smoked when he felt empty inside.

"I thought we had a date last night?" He smirked, leaning against the door frame of Jeff's room. "You never showed."

"I went home with someone." Jeff told him, playfully poking his chest. "His name is Nick and he works with Kurt's boyfriend, Blaine."

"Blaine?" Sebastian echoed, scrunching his eyebrows.

"What about him?" Jeff asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I used to have a thing for him a while ago… Needless to say he was a bit _blind_sided by my attempts to get him alone." Sebastian mumbled, putting his arms over Jeff's bare shoulders. He rolled his eyes at his own foolishness and just looked down at Jeff again.

"Well, it's over now. Right?" Jeff nudged Sebastian's leg with his own as he smiled at him.

"Right. Right. Now I have you… Who leaves me waiting to go home with random literary magazine writers." Sebastian teased, turning his head away.

"Oh come on!" Jeff laughed, following Sebastian into the living room. Sebastian pretended not to hear him and sat down on the couch. Jeff spotted his prescription pill bottle on the coffee table and opened it as Sebastian finally broke his silent treatment and met his eyes.

"I wish you would stop using that stuff." He sighed, looking at him disappointingly. "You are only hurting yourself."

"Sebastian, I'm _fine_." He retorted, shooting two pills back, dry. "You need to stop being my mother."

"Well, considering you don't have one anymore, I feel like I should step in." Sebastian said, giving him an even stare. He knew that he was the only one who could bring up Jeff's family and not be dead within the hour.

"My mother wouldn't send me to raves full of attractive men." Jeff rebutted coldly, leaning against the wall across from where Sebastian as sitting.

"Speaking of which, how was that? You said you hooked up with one of Blaine's friends? Nate?"

"_Nick_." Jeff corrected. "His name was Nick."

"Right. Right. Sorry." Sebastian apologized, leaning forward in his seat and looking at Jeff with teasing, provoking eyes. "How was it? Worth it? Or do you regret leaving me out to dry?"

"It was… It was actually really, _really_ fantastic." Jeff laughed, folding his arms across his chest. "Maybe even better than you."

"What?" Sebastian gasped, half shocked and half pretending to be. "I have _got_ to meet this guy."

"I'd say yes, but I never have second dates." Jeff reminded him.

"What about me? We've had a _lot_ of second dates, haven't we?" He reminded him, raising his eyebrows.

"Why, yes. I suppose we have." Jeff sighed, playing coy. "But he'll still be better."

Jeff let his sentence reveal more than he intended. He didn't just mean he performed better than Sebastian; Nick made Jeff feel something different. Something he liked. Whatever it was, Jeff was going to hunt that writer down to feel it again, and again, and again. Possibly in all different positions; He was still deciding.

"Okay. Stop playing. What's going on with you?" Sebastian asked, standing up. "You never talk about a one night stand this much."

"I've mentioned him _two _times. Maybe three." Jeff cried.

"Exactly. The only other person you mention that much is _me_. And we've fucked more times than there are days on a calendar."

"I'm allowed to talk about him, okay?" Jeff rebutted. "Nick just felt different."

"Different?" Sebastian echoed curiously. "You never feel different. Ever. I mean, you are always the same calm and collected man I've been hooking up with for two years. You don't do 'different'."

"Well… Maybe I do." Jeff said after a moment's consideration. If it made him feel less _empty_, then maybe change was good; Jeff didn't even feel like going out tonight to find someone else. He just wanted to see Nick again.

"Well, what can I do?" Sebastian asked knowingly. "Do I need to make a few phone calls?"

"What for?" Jeff asked, adjusting his waistband.

"To meet him again?" Sebastian responded, as if the answer was hanging between them, obvious.

Jeff was about to say yes. But then he stopped. The words were on the tip of his tongue. But he couldn't say them. He didn't do second dates. Never. No more attachment. They would only become someone else that could leave him.

"No. I'm okay. But you are welcome to stay tonight." Jeff smirked, pecking Sebastian on the cheek before walking back to his room.

* * *

"_Jeff! _Fuck…" Sebastian panted, his head hanging down to catch his breath. Jeff was lying on his back staring up at the ceiling. Him and Sebastian had attempted to watch a movie but ended up in his bedroom. "Jeff… You're so hot when you play calm…."

"_Jeff! Jeff… God! You are so beautiful." Nick was obviously beyond the point of intoxication and was just talking for the sake of talking, but it still felt real. Jeff liked how the compliment sounded._

"Seb- Wait." Jeff started, feeling like a stranger to his own body suddenly. "Sebastian… Stop it." Jeff pushed on his chest and tried to get Sebastian off him.

"What's wrong?" Sebastian asked, holding himself up. His chest was heaving as he was obviously seconds from falling apart. Jeff felt bad for making him think in complete sentences.

"This… It's just _off._" Jeff felt uncomfortable. He wasn't sure why, it just didn't feel right. It felt _forced_ and _empty_. He missed how close Nick had been. Just the way he formed against his body and held him _this_ close the entire time. Something was missing.

Jeff was trying to think of a way to get Sebastian off of him when he began kissing his neck. Sebastian began nipping at the marks already on his neck from Nick.

"_Oh!_" Jeff gasped, arching his back. "I take it back. Keep going." His eyes slipped closed and let his hips rock back and forth with Sebastian's. "Fuck… _Nick._"

"What?" Sebastian mumbled into his neck. "Did you just say 'Nick'?"

"No." Jeff sighed, not wanting the feeling to stop. Sebastian was holding him so close and Jeff felt so content in his arms. "Come on... Nick. More."

"There it is again!" Sebastian laughed, pulling back. "You said his name again!" Jeff felt bad uttering another man's name during sex, but he couldn't help it. It was all he was thinking about. "You really like him."

"…Okay. Maybe I do." Jeff sighed. "But only because he was by far the _best_ fuck I think I've ever had." Jeff wasn't sure what it was about Nick that made him crave another round with him. But Jeff was sure that it was just how perfect the man's arms were. Jeff couldn't stop grabbing them when Nick would bounce himself on Jeff's lap. Jeff didn't _think_ he could feel any form of emotional attachment….

"Let me make a few calls." Sebastian chuckled, going to pull out.

"No… Wait. Not yet." Jeff whined. "Seb, please. It was going so well."

"Fine. And you can call me Nick." Sebastian teased, grabbing the headboard before resuming his pounding and rushed pace.

* * *

Jeff was sitting in the pillows while Sebastian sat next to him, calling someone on his cell phone.

"Hey! It's Smythe. I'm calling in a favor. I need to know the number of a… Blaine Anderson… Yes his cell phone. 4.. uh-huh… 3085? Okay. Thanks." Sebastian nodded, ending the call before making another call. "Blaine! It's Sebastian. Yeah, I know… It's been a long time. I just wanted to see how you are… That's great. That's great… Are you working? Broadway? Oh! You are a writer? Sounds interesting!" Sebastian was digging around in his jeans by the side of the bed for a pad of paper and a pencil. "I've heard of that magazine! It's always filled with great articles… Duval? Chief writer? Well, I'll have to check him out." Sebastian scribbled down a few things on his notepad before he swung his arm out and hit Jeff in the knee, _purposefully_.

"FUCK! Sebastian, what the hell?" Jeff cried, holding his bruised joint.

"Oh! Blaine, I have to go… I'm sorry. Good to hear from you again." Sebastian said rushed, hanging up.

"You are entirely too good at that." Jeff laughed, realizing what Sebastian had done to get off the phone with Blaine. Sebastian just rolled his eyes and continued to dial a number.

"Hello there! I'm looking for a Nick Duval, extension 036. Yes. Yes. Thank you." Sebastian smiled at Jeff and handed him the phone quickly, startling him.

"What? Talk to him? Okay… Okay." Jeff panicked, putting it to his ear.

"Hello, Nick Duval."

"Nick! Hey." Jeff answered smoothly, making sure his panic didn't translate into his voice.

"Who is this?"

"Jeff. From last night." Jeff reminded him. "Listen, I wanted to ask you something… Do you want to come over tonight? I live in the Bridgeton Apartment Complex on 10th. Third level, sixth room. We can have a few drinks and-"

"No. I can't do that. Look, Jeff. We have nothing in common. It was just a one night thing. I usually don't do that. No. I _don't_ do that. Okay? I have a good paying job and I am a part of society. I don't sleep with random men. I'm sorry." Nick's line went dead and Jeff felt something form in his throat.

"So? What did he say?" Sebastian asked, nudging his shoulder.

"He's not coming. He said that he doesn't deal with people like me." Jeff paraphrased.

"He's a writer Jeff… He's not like us." Sebastian sighed.

"Us! Us! He's not like _me._" Jeff cried, shifting on the bed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You aren't like me, Sebastian. You aren't dependent on drugs. You aren't alone. You aren't constantly wondering if life is ever going to get fucking better." Jeff yelled. Sebastian is the only person in the world who made Jeff emotional. Everyone else made Jeff into calm and collected man with the walls hiding him from the world.

"Come here Jeff." Sebastian sighed, putting his arms out.

"No. Get out." Jeff was tired of feeling. He just wanted to drink until he blacked out.

"Jeff. Don't do this. I know what you are going to do." Sebastian insisted.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Jeff yelled, pushing Sebastian out of his bed. Why did Sebastian have to remind him of how alone he was? Remind him that no one would ever want to spend time with him. Not someone like him.

Sebastian left and Jeff pulled a bottle of liquor from the cabinet and began to gulp it down hungrily. He took a handful of pills before taking another mouthful of alcohol to wash it down. Everything began to feel numb. Just the way Jeff liked it.


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

Nick knocked lightly on Blaine's door, even though it was open; Blaine was talking on the phone and put up his pointer finger to tell Nick to wait.

"Yes. I'm positive. _The_ Sebastian Smythe. Yes. He called. Next thing you know _Chandler _will be calling you. I know… I know. I love you too, Kurt. Okay, Uh-huh. Okay. See you at home. I love you, bye." Blaine hung up his office phone and looked up at Nick. "What can I help you with?"

"Can I leave early today?" Nick asked, the words feeling awkward in his mouth.

"Early?" Blaine echoed.

"Yeah… Can I leave at five tonight?" Nick clarified, glancing at the clock on the wall.

"That isn't early… That's when your shift ends." Blaine had an expression like he was waiting for Nick to tell him he was joking.

"Oh…" Nick felt awkward for telling Blaine and shuffled his feet on the floor as he thought of something to say.

"What's going on?" Blaine asked, pushing his chair back so he could stand.

"Nothing… I just have a lot on my mind right now. That's all. I'm fine" Nick sighed, turning to walk out. Nick's shoulder brushed past the door jam as he went to turn into the hallway towards his office.

"Jeff's a nice guy." Blaine said before Nick was out of ear shot.

"Excuse me?" Nick said, backing up and walking back into Blaine's office.

"That guy you were talking to at the rave. His name is Jeff." Blaine sounded scared, like Nick had spent the whole night talking to him without learning his name.

"Okay, why are you telling me this?" Nick asked, coldly. He didn't want to remember any of Jeff. While it _was_ something Nick hoped to never forget, it just wasn't something he wanted to talk about with Blaine. Or anyone.

"I've spoken to him before, and Kurt has spoken about him, and I know that he can come off a bit abrasive. But he is actually a nice guy. He's just been dealt some pretty bad cards." Blaine gave Nick an empathetic look as he spoke.

"Thanks." Nick said, seemingly passing off Blaine's short speech and leaving the room.

Nick didn't really want to process what Blaine had told him. He didn't want to see Jeff in another light. Nick was _already_ having problems forgetting him. Now Nick could only think of Jeff being able to have a sweet sensible conversation. And all Nick wanted was to be the one Jeff had that sweet conversation with.

Nick went into his office and closed his door with more force than needed, the phone call from earlier that morning still ringing in his ear:

'_Bridgeton Apartment Complex on 10__th__. Third level, sixth room'_

Jeff's address was easy enough to follow. Nick could go. Maybe just stop by-

Nick slammed his fist onto his desk to shake his head free of his thoughts. He tried to forget the address by the time five o'clock rolled around. He thought he had. Nick was free. He packed up his things and waved to Blaine as he left; Kurt was perched on the edge of Blaine's desk, obviously there to drive him home. Nick walked to the edge of the street and flagged down a taxi. It pulled up in front of him and Nick clambered in. The taxi driver peeked at Nick in the rear-view mirror and asked where he needed to be driven.

"Bridgeton Apartment Complex. It's on 10th."

* * *

Nick only had to knock twice before Jeff answered. He looked pissed, like he was expecting someone else. But when Nick nervously cleared his throat and smiled briefly, Jeff's grimace disappeared.

"_Hey!"_ Jeff is more than surprised by Nick's appearance. He sounded _pleased_ and borderline _excited_.

"Hi Jeff…" Nick nodded, biting his lip nervously.

"Would you like to come in?"

"Uh…" Nick actually stopped to think this through. The first thing he had thought about for the first half an hour. "I-I don't know… I'm not even sure why I am here… I should be going home."

"Isn't it a bit _early_ for you?" Jeff chuckled, stopping Nick from turning away.

"What?" Nick asked, not sure why Jeff was taking joy in Nick's wish to go home.

"Your job. You were talking about it like it's your _life_. You were talking about it almost all night at the bar." Jeff clued in, giving Nick an amused look.

"I did?" Nick gasped. He felt so embarrassed. He really _was_ kind of a homebody, wasn't he? Nick knew he worked to block out his problems, but now it seems as though working was becoming his problem.

"Uh, _yeah_." Jeff laughed, nodding and leaning against the door frame. He leaned closer to Nick and he could smell the light scent of alcohol in his breath. "And besides… I love a man with work ethics." Even though Jeff was blatantly flirting with him- and Nick would usually be repulsed- he couldn't help but feel pity. Blaine's comment kept ringing in his head. _Jeff's a nice guy._

"Do you… mind if I come in?" Nick said finally, trying to leave out as much suggestion from his voice as possible.

"Come in, come out; come as you please." Jeff winked, waving Nick into his house. Nick winced lightly at the innuendo Jeff had implied. Nick kept hearing Blaine. Jeff was more than this. He didn't have to be this _flirty_ all the time. He was a nice guy.

Nick walked in slowly and took in the decor of the house he was too drunk to notice last night and in too much of a rush to notice this morning. It was so empty and dark. It had no personality. Nick took off his jacket and placed it over the back of a chair, giving himself something to do.

"Would you like to sit down?" Jeff offered, patting the back of his couch as he picked a liquor bottle off the coffee table and screwing the cap back on. Nick followed Jeff's hands to the coffee table and took note to the items that were resting on its surface.

"Is that a pill container?" Nick asked, picking it up. "I didn't know you were hurt."

"Uh, yeah. Bad back." Jeff nodded, walking over to him. "You wore it out pretty bad, hot shot." His voice lacked a certain confident quality as he flirted. Nick pulled his hand away as Jeff went to take the pill container from him. Jeff gave him a quick, smiling glance before reaching again.

"Why do you want it?" Nick asked, noticing how strange Jeff was acting.

"Because I want to put it away. I took my medicine and I don't need it anymore." Jeff reached again but Nick tucked it behind his back. Nick expected Jeff to get mad, but instead he was just nervous and fidgety. Nick turned away from Jeff to look at the bottle. Why was it so special?

_Prescribed to Henry Titon_

"Who's Henry?" Nick asked himself more than Jeff. Then it struck him. "This isn't yours, is it?"

"I-Well, no. But…" Jeff sputtered, looking at Nick with something new in his eyes. It wasn't fear. Jeff looked like he was about to _cry_.

"Are you like… an _addict_?" Nick wanted Jeff to reject the thought with a laugh and a reassuring smile. But he didn't. He stayed silent and just kind of stared at Nick. "Oh god. You are."

"Nick, please. Let me-" Jeff remained calm and put his hands up to surrender to Nick.

Nick just threw the bottle down and shook his head. He had to get out of there. He didn't know what he was thinking! He wasn't the type of guy who has one night stands, or drinks, or has sex with addicts. And Nick certainly wasn't going to hang around to let it happen again. He rushed towards the door and slammed it behind him.

* * *

Jeff watched Nick leave in a rush, obviously freaked out and bothered by Jeff's answer, or lack there of, to his question. Nick looked so shocked, so _disgusted_. Jeff knew that no one would ever visit someone like him. No one could ever just stop by to say hello. Like he mattered. Nope. It always had to be sex. Or it was goodbyes.

Jeff felt rage bubble up in him as he heard the footsteps recede down the hall. Jeff knew Nick would never want to be with someone like him. He probably couldn't _stand_ him, or people like him. He was disgusting.

Jeff grabbed the edge of the small wooden table, acting as a dining table, and flipped it over. It smashed into the tile flooring of the kitchen and made a satisfying cracking sound. Jeff was sure it splintered somewhere on it's edges. He spun on his heels and grabbed the bottle of liquor on the counter and smashed it against the cabinets hanging from the ceiling. The glass flew everywhere and the brown liquid dripped down every surface. The glass had cut Jeff's palm, but he didn't care. He was blind with rage. How could Nick make him feel this angry? Jeff thought that Sebastian was the only one that made him emotional. But now, Nick was making Jeff have all this rage and self hatred pulsing through his veins and it felt _so good_. As angry as Jeff was, he was secretly in love with actually _feeling_ something.

He threw things around and vented violently on both the apartment and on himself. He threw chairs and rammed himself into dry wall. Even as he lay in a heap on the ground, aching from his own abuse, Jeff was smiling. He had never been that emotional in ages. Jeff had forgotten what being mad felt like. He forgot what being human felt like.


End file.
